Friday, June 26, 2009

Friday evening

What an emotional two and downs...lots of them. I am very tired this Friday evening...but writing will welcome sleep...and so I write. My mom's best friend called me today to tell me all the things she thinks I should be doing with my parents in the face of this disease that is taking my dad. Financial management, care management, family meetings, planning ahead, mental health counseling, etc. The list went on and on. "You are the oldest Kim, this is what life brings, you know that. You have to face it younger than most. But you still have to do it." I am caught between being the daughter and being the i don't know what- what am I exactly? Information gatherer? Resource planner? It is hard to have compassion for her when she is so angry- when I am so angry about the disease that is taking my dad- that is changing him. I want to write- and help people understand that there is no understanding for this process- it is just that- a process- of watching the person you love slip away- slip into this land where you don't even know where they are- where they don't know where they are. Yesterday I followed a man over to Bimart in his scooter- and me in my car, because he was not safe to go on his own- and when he got there all he wanted to do was pick out a 25 year anniversary present for his wife- so there we stood in the aisle- me helping him pick out a pink t-shirt and shorts, and pink flip flops to match. And then a romantic card, one that played music- and to top it all off some ice cream drumsticks for the staff. He asked if I liked drumsticks and wanted me to have one. And then I followed him back to the nursing home- me in my car- him in his scooter. Being with him in Bimart made me remember why it is I do what I do- a small experience of helping someone else complete their wish for the day. There are many tears in my family lately- my mom cries a lot- I hear her- and want to curl her up and hold her.....and yet she is my mom- and it's not supposed to be like this. All these independent spirits and they are being swallowed up by various diseases. So tonight I sleep to have rest- and to start tomorrow new- without all this complication.

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